Once, in a time when Amstrad were the future, Alan Sugar wasn’t a weathered old scrooge and shell-suits were the new black, tea was wholesome and tea was pure. Every street in England glowed with the rising mist of fine black tea. In other words, it was tea utopia. By drinking fine English tea—which was never made in England but let’s not put a downer on it by mentioning that—an English man (or woman, if she dared take on its Read the rest of this entry »

Please don’t run a mile. I know, I really do. I know that your dad / granddad / grandfather / creepy uncle has about seventy rotting National Geographic magazines stashed in his toilet, but the magazine has come a long way since its humble beginnings. No longer is N.G. the prime reading material of bearded reclusive dorks everywhere, it is now as modern as not saying thankyou when someone opens the door for you and as widespread as cadaver faced Read the rest of this entry »

You know sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe in, don’t you diary? Even at the risk of a knuckle sandwich!

These occasions are always the same. My friends and I are sitting in a pub minding our own tank-top wearing, bowls and polo conversing business, and then I hear someone say something which needs to be put right, and I find myself asking my chums if they are going to come with me or if Read the rest of this entry »

A good friend of mine is currently looking for secondary education jobs and has realized that, well over half of all newly qualified teachers are unprepared when it comes to dealing with aggressive pupils. This is obviously a bit of a concern, because violence erupts so frequently in many of today’s classrooms. But I think we should be concentrating more on why it is now such a huge issue. After all, it never used to be like this.

There has Read the rest of this entry »

A friend of mine recently gave me a present; not Dermatological skin-care stuff as she had said she’d get me, but an electric toothbrush. That night I went home and I attempted to use it–but it didn’t go well. In fact it went very badly. I have always had an innate fear of electrical gadgets and this was no exception…

The first thing that bothered me (this was well before I even got it anywhere near my face) was the horrendous noise. The thing was only small but it sounded highly dangerous, like it might explode at any moment. What if I dropped it? What if what if what if?

I tried to calm myself down, telling myself It’s only a toothbrush, it’s only a toothbrush–and that worked for a while, but then I put the toothpaste on. That was when things got sinister.

The toothpaste shook, as if it were alive. As if the sinister electric toothbrush were capable of taking an inanimate paste and making it real. I took the plunge and put the head against my teeth. The head vibrated, and the beast threatened to explode–

The beast did not explode. I didn’t give it chance! Instead I chucked it straight in the bin (and I hadn’t turned it off so the whole bin was vibrating with a horrible tinny sound, making it creep along the floor) and legged it out of the bathroom. Twenty minutes later I returned and finished the job with my normal, easy-going, how-it’s-meant-to-be toothbrush. Now I feel much happier.

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I hate the materialistic culture we live in. Its all about who’s got the best designer clothes, the biggest implants, the best car, the biggest plasma TV with surround sound. It’s all about money, money, money – in a dog eat dog world. Its competition all the way, nobody gives a damn about anyone else, and it’s a disposable society where if you don’t like it – throw it away and get a new one. That includes friends and relationships. Read the rest of this entry »